Feature Draft 1: What Has Happened to the Good Umbrella?

Patrick Nicholas
Heather Chaplin
Feature Draft 1
December 13th,2010




Rest in peace Totes signature auto open crook handle stick umbrella, you were so good to me. Your temporary tomb on the corner of 18th and park will always have a special place in my heart. At thirty-five dollars my Totes signature auto open crook handle stick umbrella was by far the most expensive umbrella I have ever purchased. Its year and a half lifespan was the longest time I have ever owned a single umbrella. After its passing two weeks ago I have gone through a total of three street vender umbrellas, making me ask the question what has happened to the good umbrella?

The absence of the good umbrella seems to be a problem that has been plaguing New York City for several years now.

Thomas Sclafani, the vice president of public affairs at American Express connected the emerging umbrella phenomenon with recent manufacturing trends within major United State companies.

“Recent economic conditions have forced many companies to purchase goods from over seas often times resulting in lesser quality goods. Goods made in countries such as China would likely be cheaper to import, but cheaper in quality as well.”

As the heavens opened up on me yesterday afternoon I conveniently left behind my umbrella at my apartment. A novice mistake, but one I have made a tradition of doing as of late. I found refuge at the Paj Punjab deli on the corner of 3rd street and 2nd avenue. After situating myself with a medium coffee I began browsing the umbrella section, this was finally my opportunity to see where exactly the shitty umbrellas I have made a habit of getting come from. Low and behold each and every umbrella was made outside of the United States, most were manufactured in either China or Taiwan. As I exited the store with my newly purchased coffee and umbrella I attempted to open my umbrella, only to realize its button was broken.

“About a month ago I almost physically assaulted a street umbrella salesmen,” Said Dan Zolot, an East Village resident “ after paying 10 dollars for what I thought was a decent umbrella it broke almost instantly. I attempted to get a refund but ended up having to purchase another umbrella.” Dan’s frustration only grew as he told me the story, comparing the umbrella he purchased to Swiss cheese.

The weather patterns of New York City seem to only enhance the shitty umbrella epidemic. The Geography of the City characterizes it as a harbor town as the Hudson River and Long Island Sound flow together creating a tidal estuary. This means that coastal storms are more likely to affect the city because of its proximity to major bodies of water. On average the city receives roughly 50 inches of rain every year.

Patricia Moore has been a life long New Yorker. Surviving even the worst of weather conditions in the city from the 1991 perfect storm to 2004s hurricane Francis that brought 7 inches of rain and 6 million dollars worth of damage to the city and long island.

“ Its not that the weather has gotten worse over the past decades. That has all stayed the same. As a New Yorker you learn pretty quickly that there are some essentials you need to be able to survive the every day elements of the city, an umbrella and a pair of boots are at the top of that list.”

New York City seems to be the perfect habitat for such an epidemic. As the shitty umbrella plague begins to grasp every aspect of its culture its members begin to react.

A New York spirituality blog titled “ A Seeking Heart” recently posted about their problems with umbrellas.

“The bane of my existence in NYC is umbrellas. Cheap umbrellas. The kind you buy for $5 on the side of the street because you don't want to spend any of your disposable income (what little I have) on a nice one. No fail, about 4 blocks into buying the umbrella one of three things happen: (1) a gust of wind flips the umbrella inside out; (2) one of the spokes of the umbrella rips through the cheap plastic and creates a dagger-like knife which sticks out, and leads you to become obsessed with monitoring it for fear it will puncture a young child on its mother's breast as you walk by; or (3) your umbrella hits another umbrella and you blame the collision on the other person and decide that you hate people.”

From spirituality seekers to comedians, it is no wonder why so many New Yorkers hate rainy days.

Jon Friedman host of “The Rejection Show” and editor and producer of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon recently tweeted, “ With all the money I've spent on shitty umbrellas, I could've bought the golden miracle umbrella by now. “

A major contributing factor to the current umbrella epidemic could be that New Yorkers just don’t want to spend money on an umbrella

“ The current economic recession effected almost everyone” Said, Thomas Sclafani “companies big and small and people rich and poor were all affected.”

I have gone through nearly as many umbrellas as there are rainy days in this city. My Totes signature auto open crook handle stick umbrella was the first time I ever spent more then 10 dollars on such a thing, the fact that I didn’t loose it in a week or so really amazes me but perhaps there is some type of correlation between its price and its life span.

“ An umbrella has never seen the inside of my apartment,” said Dan Zolot “ if I’m not carrying 10 bucks on a rainy day then there is no way I am staying dry. To me an umbrella is as temporary as training wheels, I’m not spending money on something I know I’m either going to loose or break.”

So what is next? I am in no position to sit here and preach to you about the possible benefits one may have if you were to purchase an umbrella such as the Totes signature auto open crook handle stick umbrella. It does seem though that by spending upwards of 30 dollars on such an item could significantly reduce headaches and stress commonly associated with the standard shitty street umbrella. That though is a decision I cannot make for you.

Yesterday was the two-week anniversary on my Totes signature auto open crook handle stick umbrellas passing. As I made my way to 18th and park wearing all black with flowers in hand I began to shed tears. It had rained the day before and streets were lined with deceased umbrellas—it was horrifying. Once I reached my umbrellas now not so temporary tomb I held a moment of silence and as the buglers finished playing taps I quietly turned and walked away.